


We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven

by sensorium



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Infinity War spoilers at the end, Tony Stark Deserves Better, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, i love tony so much, kind of sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 15:05:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14718386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sensorium/pseuds/sensorium
Summary: The things he sees during his time in outer space will haunt him in the worst ways for the rest of his life, he just doesn’t know it yet.





	We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Richard Siken's poem: Snow and Dirty Rain

The government sends in a nuke. And of course, he’s the only one who can do anything about it. As soon as he latches onto it, he knows exactly where it needs to go. Straight into the belly of the beast.

He begins the ascent to the wormhole, going as fast as he can, trying to make it before the nuke goes off. This isn’t going to end well for him, he knows this.

He calls Pepper.

She doesn’t answer.

He manages to make it in the wormhole before the nuke goes off, and he uses all of his remaining strength to push it away from him. He watches it move closer and closer to where the Chitauri are coming from. It's getting harder to breathe. 

The call drops. JARVIS' voice gets staticky, and the display in his helmet flickers and blinks out. He can't breathe.

The things he sees during his time in outer space will haunt him in the worst ways for the rest of his life, he just doesn’t know it yet.

He wishes he would have closed his eyes sooner.

He knows you can't breathe in space. He knew this would happen, but it still scares him. His body is going through the necessary motions, working to inhale, but there just isn't enough air for him to breathe. There's none. He's not breathing. 

His lungs are screaming for oxygen. His vision is going black at the edges. He doesn't want to waste his remaining energy, so he doesn't flail, he doesn't panic. He just lets himself float there, giving himself time to accept the fate he knew as soon as he decided where he’d take the nuke.

He's going to die.

It's almost comical, and he'd laugh if he had any air left in his lungs. He always knew he'd die alone, he just didn't think it'd be in the middle of outer space. It seems fitting, somehow. This is what he deserves.

He sees the nuke explode. He lets his eyes flutter shut for the last time. The world is safe. He's done his part.

_"You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you."_

But he did, didn't he? He made the sacrifice play. He's not a fucking hero, that's for damn sure, he just did what needed to be done. But there was no laying down on the wire, he _**was**_ the wire, he paved the way for the nuke to get to where it needed to go. And now, he's going to die.

He loses consciousness. The force of the explosion pushes him back through the wormhole right before it closes, and he falls.

He's falling. his heart will stop beating soon, and in minutes the damage to his brain will be beyond repair. He's still falling.

It feels almost like he's floating outside of his body. He's not in pain, for once. His heart has stopped beating now. He's running out of time. He wonders if he’ll feel it when he hits the ground, or if he’ll already be dead by then.

The Hulk swoops in to grab him, and then drops him unceremoniously on the floor. He doesn’t feel it.

He’s still floating outside of his body, watches as Thor rips off his faceplate. He watches them watch him as he lays, unmoving, on the street. He knows they know that he’s dead now, or well on his way. Steve has the decency to look almost afraid.

The Hulk roars, loudly, almost like he’s in pain, and by some miracle the sound startles a jolt of energy through him, and he's slammed back into his body again. 

He takes huge, gasping breaths. One hand goes up to his neck, and during the movement his gauntlet and helmet disassemble to give him access to his own pulse. 

He tilts his head up and looks around. He's alive. He did it. He's alive. They won. 

Flashes of the wormhole and what he saw in it appear before his eyes as he stares up at the clear, blue sky. He tries to sit up, but he's still too weak. He's tired. He's so tired.

He looks away abruptly and makes a joke like they're all expecting. He thinks it was something about hoping no one kissed him, but if you asked him about it later, he'd tell you that he honestly can't remember.

He loses some time.

Hazy minutes, maybe hours, pass and when the world comes back into focus they're all sitting around a table eating shawarma, and his chest aches. Every time he blinks, the things he saw in space reappear on the back of his eyelids. He takes a deep breath just to remind himself that he can. 

He doesn't know if it was worth it.

 

 

 

Six years later, after Thanos has stabbed him and he's waiting to die _again_ he thinks that yes, it was.

He remembers Ultron, and what made him so desperate to build it, he sees the teen he’s practically adopted as his son disappear right in front of his eyes, and he realizes.

It just wasn’t enough.

The stab wound doesn't kill him.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Tony so much I can't believe I did this to him but what can I say, I love Pain. 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you liked it! I need the validation. Thank you for reading!


End file.
